It's a bloody jungle out there in the Melbourne music scene. Check the photo above and you'll see which dickhead is which.
But with every great gig comes an even greater dickhead doing their duty to rep the culture. Without further ado, please join us through a twisted journey of the 5 types of dickheads you’re bound to encounter from gig to gig.
Billie, The Deep Scene Kid
Natural habitat: The bar that was once Cafe Romantica; venues that are so ironically proletarian that they’ve gone full-circle bougie; getting in on the door for any party that involves Wax’o Paradiso.
Usually found: Writing lengthy status updates about the dangers of gentrification from their new apartment in Footscray; interning at an indie record label; heading into the Sup’ with 20 different friends all dressed in the same shade of pastel pink.
Overheard saying: “Fuck, I’ve forgotten my Wickr password again.”
Favourite music festivals: Paradise Music Festival, Meredith, BIGSOUND, and Freedom Time (but only with a media pass).
Stardust, The Bush-Doofer
Natural habitat: Five pingers deep at Rainbow Serpent; enjoying a huge dinner at Lentil As Anything without paying a single cent.
Usually found: Discussing conspiracy theories at kick-ons; deep inside a K-hole.
Overheard saying: “Sorry I missed you man, I got caught up in a three-hour drum circle.”
Favourite music festivals: ConFest, Rainbow, Earthcore.
Donny, The Dad Rocker
Natural habitat: Helping his wife sell scented candles at The Rose St. Market; enjoying some pre-drinks at Cherry Bar before Foo Fighters rock his heckin’ socks off.
Usually found: Obsessing over craft beer while pretending he can taste the difference.
Overheard saying: “Australian music peaked at Homebake ’98.”
Favourite music festivals: Hasn’t been to one since the Big Day Out went bust.
Frida, The Festival Season Fanatic
Natural habitat: Preaching about veganism before smashing a lamb kebab on Chapel St at 2am.
Usually found: Browsing Pinterest for this year’s hottest way to culturally appropriate, hashtagging all of her Instagram photos with either #Wanderlust (currently on a Contiki tour) or #TakeMeBack (recently returned from a Contiki tour).
Overheard saying: “It’s not cultural appropriation if I got it from Bali.”
Favourite music festivals: Falls, Splendour, Listen Out.
Ned, The Inner-North Rock Dog
Natural habitat: Making zines to hand out at his mate’s album launch; drinking the entire rider even though he hasn’t played a gig in two years; passed out at a house party somewhere in Brunswick East.
Usually found: Punching darts in the smoker’s area of Old Bar until stumps (without actually watching any of the bands).
Overheard saying: “The only footy I’m into is the Community Cup.”
Favourite music festivals: Music festivals are for corporate sell-outs. But also: Wetfest, Poison City Weekender, and anything you’re not cool enough to know about.
