Being from New Zealand, seeing Illy perform in his hometown at Hi-Fi was the closest I’ve come to feeling culture shock in Australia. I can only describe it as what it must be like when you’re from LA but go to Chicago to see Common perform: I knew Illy had a bit of shine but I was dismayed to see so many people go ape for him. It was a little confusing really.
(Because Lil-B is based-god, Eminem is rap god, and Kanye is Yeezus, I give you the tale of Illy, from here on known as Rap Zeus – The Arbitrarily Named).
One night, for his Cinematic tour, Rap Zeus was to perform in Olympus’ ballroom A.K.A. The Hi-Fi. From his vantage point of cloud and Pinkbatts he sat and watched the pre-Rap Zeus entertainment. He pondered why everyone uses Drake and Kanye to prep a crowd but decided he wouldn’t have it any other way. As his DemiGods milked the human’s pituitary glands a holy LOL was emitted when the one who called himself Jackie Onassis – but looked like Samwise Gamgee – claimed to be the rap-game Delta Goodrem.
Warm-up acts like the inimitable Remi and a crowd-pleasing Jackie Onassis peaked energy before Illy came on to a neon-soaked On and On. The crowd was no stranger to triple j and heaved to the chorus. Illy has gone on record saying, “even some bad pop has charm to it,” and his penchant for the genre was echoed by the crowd singing Young Bloods and Save Me back to him.
After floating on stage to a barrage of fluorescent lightning, Rap Zeus charmed the mass of tank-tops and Fox Motor Sport t-shirts with his bangers. “So they like what they liketh… what they knoweth?” he thought to himself.
Illy proceeded to triumphantly dedicate songs to people who tell you you can’t do things, before launching into his Like A Version cover which was a song he did because he was told to (same thing right?).
Rap Zeus pelted out a hydra-headed cover song, feeding them lyrics from bards such as silverchair, Paul Kelly, and Powderfinger and watched them lap up the familiar ballads.
Like any good rapper, Illy is down with trawling social media (which was apparent by his shout-out to an expectant mother who commented one of his feeds that she would be there). After the Cam Bluff produced Coming Down, he shared a heartfelt IRL moment with the crowd when he tearily sang about his mother in Am Yours.
From the deity’s tears Rap Zeus was spurned to inverse his underling’s mood rings from black to pink with Owl Eyes. Then in the unfathomable depths of what is a god’s self-awareness, Rap Zeus performed Heard It All, acutely explaining how even the one and only Rap Zeus sometimes struggles to be unique. Lastly, Rap Zeus paid homage to thankful Olympians with One For The City before he took his law degree, ability to speak four languages, and galvanised adulation from the ballroom to be flexed in another kingdom.
BY EDGAR IVAN
Loved: The girl wearing Ugg-Boots with GTAV stickers on the sides. And Heard It All Before.
Hated: The awkward dance-spins.
Drank: Melbourne Bitters in doubles.
