RAWR!
As you may or may not give two large turds covered in burning hair about, Beat is totally on the internet. By extension, so is your local neighbourhood Metalocalypse column. So get the fuck over to beat.com.au and click me under ‘Music,’ get involved. You can even froth on the Twitter machine and come digital – roll me at twitter.com/jane_tobes if you’re the upwardly savvy mobile type. Garn, it’ll be rad. Call me a massive cuntorsaurus, we can argue about metal. I’ll win though ‘cos I’m probably more articulate than you. Also handsome. Happily enough, we’ll probably come to the mutual conclusion that Mastodon‘s new album is big tits awesome. Yours truly and former Beat ed Jaymz Clements have been wazzing off about it for centuries now. So far, Mastodon haven’t noticed us, though. More #FuckYeah and #YesMate hashies required, I think. Join the fight to be Brann Dailor‘s internet friend.
LOUTALLICA IS SHIT
That Metallica and Lou Reed collab, Lulu, is a huge piece of shit. You don’t believe me? You obviously haven’t listened to first ‘single’ The View. If you can stand it, go check it out over at http://soundcloud.com/loureedmetallica/the-view. It’s like neither side had any contact with each other whatsoever during the writing and recording process. Back in the ’60s or whatever when everyone was fucked up on the great stuff and thus everything was fabulous, this would be hailed as a masterpiece. Admittedly it does get a whole lot better in those rare moments when the LP dispenses with Reed entirely and Metallica just do their thing, but fuuuuuck me. Failed experiment.
BEAM ME UP, SABBATH
William Shatner is the business. KHAAAAAAN! He’s also releasing an(other) unlikely album of pseudo-spoken word excellence, bless him. He’s called itSeeking Major Tom and it’s gonna be out next week, but why am I talking about it? Because Big Willy Styles has coveredBlack Sabbath classic Iron Man and that, friends, is cause for morbid curiousity. Check him out doing his Ozzy thang on YouTube by pumping in ‘William Shatner Is Iron Man!’
COREY TAYLOR’S BOOK
Not sure if you know this because no-one reads no more, but Slipknot guy Corey Taylor has written a book called Seven Deadly Sins. He knows you don’t like to read, too, so he’s also decided to physically relay the shitting thing to you. Seriously. Go put ‘Seven Deadly Sins Audiobook – Chapter Preview’ into YouTube and get a load of this guy’s life. Sounds a bit like your dad sometimes, though. Just saying.
HOW POLAND DOES POLITICS
In Australia, our government just makes up some shit about a carbon tax because they desperately need to squeeze us for more money and are counting on our planetary ignorance to make it happen (hot tip: dead trees produce more carbon dioxide than we ever could). In Poland, they play metal. Check out Polish political candidate Jędrzej Wijas putting his horns up for office and weep, weep that we’re not more like this bangin’ country: http://youtu.be/AKPmkRU-Bzs
STAMP YA HAND
Our own hilarious answer to WA Viking metal clan Claim The Throne – Barbariön – will be inflicting their courageous decadence on The Hi-Fi Bar this Saturday and it’ll probably be pretty amusing because they are pretty amusing men. Running support are Medusa, The Bowers, and The Spazzys. The fuckin’ Spazzys. Haha, oh my god. They still exist. Why.
METALVISION
Guys, guys, girls. I need you to do something, right now. Don’t do it for me – do it for yourselves. Please, for the love of fetid crotchal pussy stains at the end of the day, go to http://youtu.be/4pWcODeYyWQ. Just do it. Your life will improve by leaps and bounds. The Japanese know too much about metal, it seems.
FEEDBACK
That was a good editorial last week, I’ve been thinking the same fuckin’ thing except less eloquently for years since living in Melbourne. I’ve only lived in a few cities though so I dunno how it generally goes. Melbourne seems pretty self jerking itself to me though, to the point that I sometimes wonder if people are taking the piss when they jizz all over X local band. I dunno. I think maybe I don’t know anything about music sometimes. I am one of those wankers who likes metal and rap and classical and Enya so I have that whole “has eclectic taste, considers self musically superior to everyone else” type complexes going on.
– sweetaction
