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Oh mah lawd, I am sick. It’s what happens when you try to follow one of those Vegan Black Metal Chef recipes to the letter but miss some of it and, instead of rewinding like a normal person, just sort of make up what you think should go in the pot and carry on powerfully. In my feverish delirium, I’ve somehow entered a dark nether realm where, amazingly, no-one complains about anything that crops up in this column. Seriously, guys . No-one complained about last week’s letter from frequent contributor and delightfully deviant, sweetaction. Are you shits even reading? I quit. (Tobes – we discussed this. I already fired you. No-Anal-Ed) Anyway, here’s this week’s Metaloc.



If Kvelertak were Australian, we’d all hate them. Why? Because we’re a bitter bunch of talentless arseholes and they’re doing so bloody well they even get their gold record certificates hand delivered by Dave Grohl. The band were personally invited to see the Foos play at Norway’s Telenor Arena last week, the whole thing being a big ruse so that ol’ Grohl could pop backstage afterwards and give ’em the goods for shifting 15,000 of their debut in their native country. Unfortunately, while the demon code prevents him from declining a rock-off challenge, none was issued…


Ho ho, oh nu-metal, you are trying to make some kind of surprise buttsecks resurgence here, aren’t you? First Limp Bizkit, now Staind. Remember Staind? People used to fork out to buy silver discs full of Aaron Lewis moping endlessly about how awful it is to be bloated with riches. Didn’t stay too convincing for too long, but maybe their comeback record will fare better. At least it riffs alright – but only ‘alright’. Check out first single Eyes Wide Open over at Sounds like a million years ago, but this self-titled grab-at-it is due out on Tuesday September 13.




Ar, yes, a Dream Theater tune without Mike Portnoy on the kit – what would that sound like? Happily or unhappily, today you get to find out. DT’s first track with new sticksman Mike Mangini backing them up is here. Go on and YouTube ‘Dream Theater – On The Backs Of Angels’ to get a handle on it (the album itself, A Dramatic Turn of Events, is due out on Tuesday September 13, too). Hint: The drumming is really cool, FYI. If you’re one of those types who wants to sit there and argue about who’s ‘better’, there’s a school full of handicapped children right next door.

Oh what is this bullshit, Poland? Can’t a man consolidate his battle with deadly cancer in peace without being hauled in and out of court because religious persecution demands it? First, Behemoth frontman Adam ‘Nergal’ Darski was poised to receive two years in prison for ‘offending religious feelings’ after announcing that the church is “the most murderous cult on the planet” and tearing up a Bible onstage in Września. He was acquitted, but now the opposition has appealed the case back up to the Gdansk regional court. I try not to lampoon others for their beliefs, ‘cos I consider that wildly immature and hey, whatever gets people through life, but: Vehement Polish God-botherers, just let the shit go. We all believe in Apple now, anyway.


Shia LaBeouf is going to direct a new documentary about the making of Marilyn Manson‘s new record. Well, that all makes perfect sense. Here’s what Shi-Dog had to say upon first entering the abode of a one Brian Warner: “He’s a real sweet guy. He’s an eccentric human being. He lives in West Hollywood above a liquor store. There’s no lights in the room. And there’s sort of these big metal doors and he opens the door and he’s in a kimono, a big pink kimono… It’s sort of like a lair. No lights, so you have to use your cellphone to guide you around… We sat and watched movies for a while…. and talked about what kind of visuals he wanted on his album. Which are all really eccentric ideas.”


I’d be all over the new Mastodon video right now, but pissing LooCube has taken it down because of a copyright claim from Adult Swim. Sigh. Just let the internet give away your stuff for free, men. You have no choice otherwise. Look at it, it’s unassailable. The fact you can legitimately hop onto a site shamelessly calling itself The Pirate Bay without repercussion oughta tell you everything. But I digress: let’s have a gander at Skindred‘s latest clip, instead. It’s trippin’ and balls, and I dig me some reggaecore with bonus voodoo. Hit up Skindred Cut Dem (Kerrang Exclusive).’


“It’s like Isis, with added black metal! Holy balls,” exclaimed excitable reader Hughbo Baggins, and he’s not wrong: Altar of Plagues ( are exactly that, a clattering lo-fi bonanza of big moments and grim ambience that will totally ruin your good speakers. Worth it.


i must say i enjoy your column quite a lot, it is very quaint. Keep up the good work ok!

  • Sarah