Months ago, I wrote a column where I combined my interest in the collectable trading card game Magic: the Gathering with a weekly heavy metal column – a concept once executed seemed so obvious, and so well received I was surprised I didn’t do it sooner. Nefarious orcs slinging spells against deadly ghosts – interdimensional heroes warring with soulless aliens hell bent on destruction – almost everything about the cards, from the art to the stories, covers what it means to be metal as fuck. So I’m going to write a column about hypothetical metal bands named after Magic cards again, but this time I’m doing it specifically with cards from the brand new Guilds of Ravnica set – Ravnica being a central yet deeply troubled plane in the Magic multiverse, where guilds with diverse interests battle amongst each other.
Surrounded by secrecy and manipulation, House Dimir is barely known to even exist. If a Dimir card were to be turned into a metal band, it would surely be Nightveil Predator. They would play bleak, yet razor sharp black metal. There exists some copies of their Watery Grave demo somewhere, but who knows where to find them – you certainly can’t track the band down on social media and ask them either.
Swiftblade Vindicator is a champion creature of the Boros Legion – a guild of zealous righteousness who fight for justice with fire and light. I reckon it could also make a pretty badass name for a socio-political, old school thrash metal band. Invoice me and/or Wizards of The Coast later.
The Golgari Swarm live underneath the city of Ravnica and embrace life and death as though they were one and the same. Underrealm Lich is a super cool mythic rare card that I pulled at the pre-release last weekend that gives you a lot of options for controlling your draw step, and putting cards into your graveyard. The text of the card reads ‘You’ve strayed, overworlder’ and is kind of spooky. I think someone could name an undead obsessed death metal band after this guy.
The constituents of the Selesnya Conclave sure are hippies. These elvish motherfuckers love trees and nature, and I reckon they’d really get down with the pan pipes and traditional violins of Nordic folk metal bands like Eluveitie. Worldsoul Colossus would be the card to represent Selesnya in heavy metal form. It’d probably be big and powerful, but kind of lame and inoffensive.
The Izzet League are chemists and electricians obsessed with science. Ionize is a super cool card that counter targets any spell for one blue, one red, and one colourless mana, and then deals two damage to that spell’s controller. I thought Ionize was such a perfect metal band name that I had to check if it already existed – turns out they’re from New York, and while they’re not anywhere near as good or technical as Meshuggah or Karnivool, you can tell they want to be, so there’s that.
