Lach Ryan: Black Swan

Get the latest from Beat

Lach Ryan: Black Swan


There is nothing like the loose, relaxed feeling that surges through your body after spending some time touching “Down There”.

The movie of the moment is Black Swan. It features a few scenes where leading lady Natalie Portman is seen to be touching herself. Obviously, such a physical act can be quite confronting when blown up on the big screen. But what’s the big deal? There is no better way to find relief from stress and tension.

Now I know not everyone is capable of, nor regularly does, touch themselves “down there” but we’ve all done it at some point in our lives. It is human nature. I remember the first time I realised I could do it. I was a bit advanced for my age, about 12 years old and amazed and what my developing body was physically capable of.

When I a teenager and more sports minded, I remember doing it daily. There is nothing like the loose, relaxed feeling that surges through your body after spending some time touching “Down There”. I clearly remember our Phys Ed teacher educating us in Year Eight about the health benefits of the practice and how it could help avoid certain associated ailments. It seems to me that males are more open about doing it, although women seem better suited to it and secretly active. Just the other day I spotted a lady indulging in it, down by the beach.

Some people are against it, citing religious reasons or that the whole area “down there” is dirty, disgusting and shouldn’t be touched. But if it feels so good and has the associated benefits for our wellbeing; how could it be bad? Those in the massage profession have been known to apply the technique when treating patients. Doctors in some parts of the world will often utilise the practice as part of an overall physical check up. What more endorsement do we need? Touching yourself “Down There” feels great and is good for you!

I guess I am so passionate an advocate for the process of touching yourself “down there” as it was always banned in our family. My father just couldn’t bring himself to do it, as he had a camel riding accident in his 20s and was no longer capable of performing the action. One time he caught me mid-way, and I can still feel the sting from the smacking to this day. I have vowed it will be different with my kids. We will be a much more open-minded family. From a young age I will teach them the benefits and joys of touching yourself “down there”. The will be free to experience the bliss it brings to the human body and soul.

There is nothing better than going down south, till you feel your hands stroking the tops of your toes. Stretching is not just a privilege it’s a right! So what are you waiting for dear reader? Why not touch yourself “down there” now! Just like you saw Natalie Portman’s Ballerina do in Black Swan. Go on…get up and slowly, breathing deeply and just….TOUCH. YOUR. TOES. What did you think I was talking about?

Lach Ryan is a Comedian/Writer. He blogs regularly at