Hi there! It’s Karl Chandler here with all the latest gossip from Hollywood, the place where dreams are made (if you dream about Short Circuit 2).
Hi there! It’s Karl Chandler here with all the latest gossip from Hollywood, the place where dreams are made (if you dream about Short Circuit 2).
• Which musical recording artist is angry because of Glee’s refusal to have them guest-star? I don’t want to say too much, but I wouldn’t like to be Jive Bunny’s punching bag at the moment!
• Rumors continue to swirl about John Travolta, with many saying that all is not as it seems in his family life. It seems that there’s a vicious rumor going around that he is a happily married heterosexual. Where do they get these crazy stories?
• Scoop! Who’s the leading lady from the 50s who married Prince Ranier of Monaco and died in a car accident in 1982? I’ll never tell, but her name rhymes with something that rhymes with “Grace Kelly”!
• Charlie Sheen’s private life continues to spiral out of control. Brother Emilio Estevez was quoted as saying, “Remember me? I was in Mighty Ducks? No? OK.”
• Ryan Reynolds has split up with Scarlett Johansson, and is now rumoured to be dating Sandra Bullock! That reminds me, I must remember to get rid of something really, really good… and then have sex with some old woman.
• It seems that Christina Hendricks left empty-handed at a recent awards ceremony, yet still went home with a pair of “massive breasts”. Shit! I meant, “golden globes”. OK, I’ll edit this out later.
• Which Police Academy star is all washed up and is working at a diner? All of them.
• At a recent press conference, Lady Gaga has again fuelled rumours about herself. After being asked about her sex, she hit the reporter in the face with her penis. “Poker face”? More like “Got hit by a woman’s penis in the face”! Am I right?: Yes!
• Rumour has it that Oprah will soon be expecting the pitter patter of tiny feet. You guessed it: she’s planning on chasing some midgets, then eating them.
• Which ’80s sitcom star’s name is the last two words of this sentence? That’s right: Ricky Schroeder.
• The Brady Bunch are ready for a reboot, 2011-style! In this version, there won’t be any kids or parents, and instead of being scripted, it’ll be a show called Celebrity Blacksmith, and it will be a televised basketball match.
• Everyone’s talking about Kim Kardashian’s wedding to Zac Efron! They’re all saying, “Karl, why are you saying those two are getting married? They’re not.” You heard it here first!
• Horrible scenes from the set of Big Momma’s House 3: But you can’t just blame the actors, it’s the script as well.
• Jack Nicholson is up to his old tricks! He’s been spotted buying groceries in the Hollywood Hills. Classic Jack! I guess some things never change!
• Spotted! 101 Dalmations.
• Rumour: Lindsay Lohan was overheard saying that she wants a facelift to keep up with her young Hollywood rivals! False: She was saying that she wanted some heroin! Stop the lies, people!
• Separated at birth: Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen? No, they grew up together.
• Which two high-profile celebs have been hooking up very discretely? Seriously, do you know? I have to fill a lot of space in this column. If you could tell me, I could put it in here, and it would really get some people off my back. Cool, thanks.
• Breaking news! I still don’t give a shit about Jake Gyllenhaal.
• Who’s rumoured to be the brother of Billy Baldwin? Some are saying Alec Baldwin, but he’s denying it.
• Whispers going around that Tim Allen isn’t very funny and everything he’s ever been in, is shit. Allen’s not willing to put out an official statement, but when called, he did say this: “This is a different Tim Allen. I live in Mont Albert. Who is this?”
OK, until next time, this is Karl Chandler reporting from Hollywood, where as they say, “movies and television shows are produced”.
Karl Chandler is appearing in the upcoming Melbourne International Comedy Festival with his show Karl Chandler: Jokes in 140 Characters . He has a free podcast on iTunes with Tommy Dassalo called The Little Dum Dum Club . You can also find him at twitter.com/karlchandler, and on this phone number: 000 (I’ll probably pretend to be a cop or something if you call me, but keep going).
