Although he’s the son of a coach driver, Tom Allen has been “cursed with a posh voice” – the way he pronounces Yarra (River) as Yah-rra! – and we could listen to his singsongy delivery, and icy retorts, aaaall night. Allen’s faux outrage is our favourite mode.
Recollections of himself as “a camp child” make us wish we had one in our lives: he favoured catching up on Miss Marple over playing with the other children and managed to dodge being bullied by claiming he was an emperor. We’re told Baby Tom also saw himself as Mrs. Mangel, and occasionally Madge, from Neighbours.
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Allen’s local knowledge is top-notch (even though he refers to The Peel as “The Orange Peel”) and this material is so relatable that sometimes we suspect Allen has access to our thoughts. His bit about how hard it can be to get into websites these days – what with cookies, proving you’re not a robot etc. – is pure gold.
“Give me a landline and a mirror and it would be exactly the same experience!” – that’s Allen’s take on Zoom calls.
Allen expertly acts out everyday scenarios (eg. mattress shopping, squeegeeing the shower recess, priority boarding) and regularly has us in stitches. He doesn’t shy away from shock value, either.
What a conversationalist! Can Allen please come to our next dinner party?
Audience participation: “What’s your name, something like Sue?… Barbara!” Be warned! Allen enjoys getting to know his front rows through a series of rapidfire questions with punters’ answers hilariously becoming repeated callbacks throughout his show. Also, respond to a text mid-show at your own risk – Allen will demand full deets.
Best bit/s: The “builder’s mug” – one reserved for “craftspeople” that came as a free gift with Easter egg purchase.
Post-show music: Birdhouse In Your Soul by They Might Be Giants.
Tom Allen’s Completely plays at The Malthouse – Merlyn Theatre until 20 April.
