Melbourne, let’s set the scene.
A month ago, you received an all departments email invite – sorry Evite (#vom) – to your Work Christmas party at a microbrewery / CBD rooftop/Escape Room.
You checked your work besties were in and hit ‘attending’.
Now your task is to head along to your annual staff piss-up and not make a tit of yourself.
Here’s how you’ll do it.
TOOLS DOWN: Joey Lightbulb’s Work Xmas Party
- Where: Corner Hotel, 57 Swan St, Richmond.
- When: December 19, 8pm-2am.
- Tickets: here
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Pace Yourself Ya Filthy Animal
Each January, my carry-over New Year’s Resolution is ‘smaller sips’ so this is as much journalistic self-therapy as it is a reminder to you that, yes, the drinks are free, and no, the tab won’t run out for at least a *few hours (*citation needed).
Hook Up With a Colleague (But Wait Til The After Party)
I don’t care how much Main Character Energy you have, the Work Xmas Party is not the place to eat face. Pump the brakes / keep your powder dry until Afters at a dimly lit club or bar. Ignore this advice if said workmate is fully woo woo and will do your regretful head in back in the real world of Monday-Friday 9-5.
In the words of Jack Donaghy in 30 Rock: “Never go with a hippie to a second location.”
Stick Close To The DJ And Bring Them Copious Amount of Drinks
You may have a cool DJ (*cough*), an aloof DJ, a shit-boring DJ or an absolute madman/woman doing body shots and fiending the mic. One thing they will all accept is a few drinks while they scan through the playlists they’ve been given (Mr Brightside, Valerie, September, I Wanna Dance With Somebody, APT.) and what they really want to play (Inspector Norse, Operator [DJ Koze Remix], I Follow Rivers [The Magician remix), rib-rattling drum’n’bass).
This will benefit the party in two ways: 1. The spinner will be loving you, hello aura farming; and 2. They’ll be more likely to play your requests.
Try Not To Talk Shit About Your Boss (Especially To Your Boss)
You probably know the saying “In Vino Veritas”.
It translates: “In Wine There Is Truth” or “After Six Drinks In Forty-Two Minutes You’ll Shoot Your Mouth Off At Rohan From Accounts And Call Him An Overpaid Fuckstick”. Try not to.
Don’t Take Pingers
It’s just too much of a wild card. I’ll let you make your own party favours decisions outside of that but the Neigh Neigh Sleepy Time Space Dust is probably a “no no” too.
Eat. Some. Food.
Whoever the Neanderthal was that came up with “Eating is cheating” can go fuck themselves.
Eating is wise.
Eating is hangover-reducing.
Eating is the thing that may save you from defecating in a Crown Casino urinal at 2.37am while you text your toxic ex: “U upppp>??”
Pair some food with sparkling water (how civilized), it is the most genius thing you can do at your Work Xmas Party.
Tuck into a mixed kebab on the way home too, you’ll probably need it.
TOOLS DOWN: Joey Lightbulb’s Work Xmas Party, Corner Hotel, 57 Swan St, Richmond. December 19, 8pm-2am. Early bird tickets $33.90+bf. oztix.com.au.
