“Personally I don’t mind sharing anything, no matter how embarrassing or how it may make me look. Mostly just because when I do share in that way I feel a lot better afterwards and the stuff that I make feels important to me.”
The songs on 2012’s Put Your Back N 2 It are brutally honest, but the lyrics are not simply biographical exposes. For example, 17 refers to body image issues experienced by gay men, and to emphasise the matter Hadreas employs a metaphor of a body stuffed into a violin, covered in semen, and hung up on a fence. Hadreas elaborates on the observational perspective that allowed him to draw this lurid image.
“When you see it in someone else it’s so clearly bullshit. They have these specific criteria for how they think they’re supposed to look that are either unattainable or are completely…just crazy. I think with gay men, part of it is when you’re young and you realise you’re different so early you try to hide it. You have this secret and you don’t want it to be known, [so] you have to look like you don’t have it; you have to look like a ‘man’, or what you think a man is supposed to look like. Everything becomes very superficial because it’s all about what’s being seen and it’s not really about you or what’s going on.”
He refers to his own experience to highlight what’s required to overcome such damaging self-scrutiny.
“It’s not about what you look like at all. I’ve noticed when I come to terms with things, when I feel more proud or more comfortable in my own skin, a lot of that bullshit of body image issues or drinking or whatever – those things fade away.”
It’s very difficult for any individual to comprehend their own self-loathing. Hadreas agrees that hearing bleak personal fears acknowledged in a song provides a sign of hope.
“I think everybody, when they have some deep fear or deep shame, it’s a very lonely feeling. You feel like you’re the only person that feels that way – ‘How could anybody feel as terrible as I do?’ or ‘be as terrible as I am’ – and that’s not true. A lot of stuff like that for me, once I truly feel it and let myself feel it, then it goes away a little bit.”
Despite the glimmers of consolation it may extend, 17 comes with no ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ resolution.
“When I wrote that song I played it for my boyfriend and he was very worried about me. I played it to him and he was like ‘what the hell is wrong with you, are you ok?’ But sometimes I need to be that dramatic or that grim about something because I need to let it bubble up so that I can kind of puke it out and then breathe a little,” says Hadreas.
Perfume Genius’ vivid imagery boldly underlines human vulnerability, but Hadreas says his intention isn’t to paint exaggerated emotional pictures.
“I never want to try to be shocking. If something is shocking I don’t mind not censoring that but I never want to reach for it, because that feels phoney to me.”
Given the intensity of his creative output you’d be forgiven for thinking Hadreas himself was a gaping wound. However, he’s composed and upbeat in conversation, indicating that his creative endeavours involve entering a different plane of thinking. Unsurprisingly, Hadreas can’t simply slip into an ideally productive mindset whenever he pleases.
“When I was trying to write my second album I rented a little house for a week so I could be alone and write and I didn’t end up writing anything at all. You can’t really force it. You can be more mindful and more observant about things and think more, but it seems like it just happens when it does.”
In order to convincingly project his music’s evocative sensitivity when performing live, Hadreas sees no alternative but to let the music completely consume him.
“I wonder if I could do it some other way but that’s really the only way that I know how to do it. I like to watch people sing and do things where it feels like they’re really going for it. That’s pretty much the only thing I try to do. Also, I don’t really have any idea about what’s going on on-stage most of the time. I’ll watch videos of me and I’m making insane, really unattractive faces.”
He admits that re-living his songs’ loaded emotional content can sometimes become overwhelming.
“There’ve been a couple of times where I’ve gotten emotional and it didn’t help the song at all. I messed up and couldn’t play the rest of the song. That’s only happened a few times. There’s always just a tiny amount of distance. If there wasn’t then you wouldn’t be able to play the notes or anything.”
BY AUGUSTUS WELBY
