Metalocalypse – November 16, 2011

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Metalocalypse – November 16, 2011



This week is “Fuck Yeah Tim Lambesis week. He’s just restarted his blog over at, and I like what he’s got to say. He’s not a dumbass and he doesn’t mince words, and that’s a win. Recently he came out and had a massive stab at how twisted the current digital infrastructure can be in terms of what it takes for a band to actually thrive these days, and crafted a fascinating(ly worrying) diatribe in the process. You need guys like this who, you know, think about stuff and then put it out there. Otherwise nothing ever moves forward. It just stays where it is, because the masses are too busy entangling themselves inside it to consider reworking it entirely.



Go to, read “Changes in band and fan interaction.” Some hideous revelations in there. Every single bro dreaming of the day should be reading this guff, right now. “You’re welcome,” says Timbo.


Boris are mighty and strange. Their name implies a squat, greasy Eastern European pawn store owner who takes gleeful advantage of local junkies on the hock, which doesn’t really describe their monstrous noisecore too well at all. Which I guess is also sort of the point. Weirdos – and they’re touring. They’ll be at The Corner Hotel, Saturday March 24 next year. Yeah yeah, it’s a ways off, but this’ll be big. Stubs from and/or Polyester.


I’ve been digging Cynic‘s Carbon-Based Anatomy for weeks now because I’m awesome, but you probably haven’t because, well, you’re disgusting. Never fear though, ‘cos the band are streaming their tops new EP over at… Pitchfork? Pitchfork. This fucking website full of hipster shitheads. Believe it.


Dig the ironically tight heathen clatter of Sahg? They’ve got brand new single Mortify up over at as well as a live cut of The Executioner Undead. They’ve never released that last one in a recorded format before, either. Download for FREE. Thank YOU, digital age.


Earlier in the year, we lost Anal Cunt mainman Seth Putman and it as a crap thing. Around November 22, the remnants of the band are putting out a posthumous two-disc retrospective called The Old Testament. It’s as a much a homage to their departed frontmaniac (it contains liner notes written by the man, heaps of early photos of the guys, as well as an “epilogue” by original drummer Tim Morse) as a farewell to the band’s grindcore arms. Not only will it contain that 5,643 Song EP and AxCx’s early split releases, it’ll also have their first demo from ’88 and their last session from ’91. No-one outside the band’s ever heard that shit before. Damn.


No, not “Hooray.” More like, “Again?” How many times can shitting Black Sabbath get back together and expect anyone to give two airborne fucks? Sure, they’re heavy metal royalty, but these aren’t medieval times. Kings don’t get to just command respect by virtue of being kings. Plans for a worldwide tour are in the works for next year and they’re also set to record a new album with Rick Rubin. That’d make it the first project with all four original members in over thirty years. Now that should be something to get amped (or at least morbidly curious) over, but seeing as Ozzy‘s totes lost it in recent times, well. Cautiously now.


More excellent free streamage this week, and this time it’s Blut Aus Nord. Blut Aus Nord are what happens when black metal actually grows the balls to tell its genre to suck a fat dick and then does something interesting with itself. They’ve currently got their latest record 777 – The Desanctification going over at… Pitchfork. Again with Pitchfork trying to get down with the heavy. Just give it up, you stupid bastards. Anyway, those doucheholes are blaring this mad album so go hear it.


“I personally pledge allegiance to no one.”

Tim Lambesis. A-fucking-men. When someone has a bitch about this or that “not supporting local talent,” you know what? Fuck them. Having your patriotic blinders on does more harm than good. I will chase a band to the ends of the earth if I think they’re amazing, regardless of where they’re from. Why get behind something that’s utter shite just because it’s homegrown? All you’re doing is fostering mediocrity that way, and for the sake of… what? Ya’ll should be lifting your game, not expecting critical favours because everyone can hear you in your garage every night.


Fuck you cunt LULU is not that bad [it is, though – ed]. Its not. What’s your problem anyway? Have you even listend to Iced Honey. Ya shit fuck.

  • metallifan

I had to scale this one back by a good few increasingly creative obscenities, but you can still see metallifan’s point: I’m a shit fuck ‘cos I don’t like what he likes. Well now we can all go home having learned something.