MC’s should live my one rule when deciding upon an alias – With this name, would I be comfortable introducing myself to Freddie Foxxx? If the answer is no, cause he would slap 14 flavours of ouch from your mouth then it’s time to go back to the drawing board.
The Stupidest Names in Hip Hop Edition #1
MC’s should live my one rule when deciding upon an alias – With this name, would I be comfortable introducing myself to Freddie Foxxx? If the answer is no, cause he would slap 14 flavours of ouch from your mouth then it’s time to go back to the drawing board.
Elf Tranzporter
Elf Tranzporter found himself in Australia after leaving his native LA for an epic backpacking adventure of Jack Kerouac proportions. But after seasonal fruit picking work dried up and he broke his only pair of dodgy sandals he needed to earn some dough. So, after drinking a bottle of Stones one night he decided to make some cash by forming a rap group with a bunch of other guys he met at the Jolly Swagman Backpackers Hostel in Kings Cross, who had all heard that one Sugarhill Gang song too. Lo and behold, Meta Bass N Breath was born! Okay we get it – you’re a free spirit who believes orcas should have the right to an abortion, clean renewable energy and organic free-trade southern fur seals harvested by oppressed Southern American farmers. But calling yourself Elf Tranzporter? Are you shitting me?! What the kind of LSD were you tripping on? His name always begs the question – How exactly is he transporting these elves? Does he give them piggyback rides? Does he smuggle them across intergalactic, mythical borders in his pants? Perhaps he transforms into a solar powered mothership which then travels across the time-space continuum? It’s a mystery my simple mind cannot fathom.
Muphin
Now we ain’t hating on Melbournian mainstay Muphin as an artist. When he first started hitting stereo’s in the late 90’s with Puah Hedz he was kicking some pretty respectable flows. Then when Puah Hedz disbanded (and we lost his brother Draino to the depths of the RapCella forever – RIP) he started dropping some dope solos on Obese and then suddenly hit national prominence when he teamed up with some Plutonic Lab dude for 3 huge LP’s. However what the fuck is up with the name? Muphin? Really? You’re going to name yourself after a variety of delicious baked goods? This is only really excusable if there is a story behind it concerning how he smoked a bowl and then with a severe case of munchies, ate an entire 6-pack of cheap Coles muffins and then nearly choked in the process while whiling out to Heltah Skeltah. Even when he teamed up with Pluto and shortened his moniker, things only went from bad to worse. I mean the name referencing the cupcakes poor cousin was soft already, but then he changes it to slang for female genitalia? It could only have been worse if he went with Mrs Muffilina.
The GZA
Okay, okay, okay. I’m sure this one is going to be contentious. I mean it’s the Clan?! One of the unwritten rules of hip hip is that you never fuck with the Wu (just ask 50, Budden or Mase). But some things need to be said. And one of those things is that the GZA’s name is as bad as having your nuts nailed to a ceiling fan and spun at high speed. Why? Do we have to literally spell it out phonetically for you? Ok, fine, we will; Jizz-er Yep, that’s right. The undisputed lyrical swordsman and Voltron head of the Wu-Tang named himself after an ejaculating cock. He can disguise it all he wants, by saying it is short for Genius or spelling it with a Z in the middle. But the fact remains that his name makes me consider focussing less on protecting my neck and more on shielding my eyes from stray sperm.
Sauce Money
I am sure back in the day this young spitter was sitting there in Marcy Projects thinking of an amazing MC moniker that would fit his particular characteristics, something that would embody every facet of his spiritual beliefs and philosophy upon life, a name that would capture the imagination of the people and uplift them from the everyday struggles and hardships of life within inner city communities – but then he thought ‘fuck it’ and just combined the names of his two favourite things and Sauce Money was born.
This former Jay-Z cohort and now supreme donut eater was no slouch on the mic and even scored a Grammy on the shelf thanks to ghostwriting Puffy’s tribute to Biggie “Ill Be Missing You”. So why didn’t he go onto bigger things like his childhood buddy Mr Carter and his most notable music since has been ghost-writing for Shaquille O’Neal? Well some might point to the fact that him and Dame Dash didn’t like each other. Others reckon that Jay didn’t want to share the limelight at Roc-A-Fella. Me? I reckon by rolling with a retarded name like Sauce Money his career never had a chance in the first place. Oh well, it could have been worse… at one point he was calling himself Salsa Dinero!
