Music festival etiquette courtesy of an angry attendee.
1. Put your fucking phone away. Your pixelated and grainy bullshit video is going to get 200 hits max on YouTube and you’re blocking the view of the people behind you.
2. Stop trying to pick up. No one wants to have tent sex with a sweaty and dusty idiot who hasn’t showered in three days.
3. OK, if you have to have sweaty tent sex, at least use a damn condom.
4. Don’t throw your drinks into the crowd. It’s never going to end this well again.
5. Drink water. I know I’m not your real dad, but seriously drink water…and use sunscreen.
6. Your ticket to a festival is a privilege, not a right, bestowed upon you by the festival gods. Remember this and try your best not to be a total dick to volunteers and staff.
7. Don’t get on your mates’ shoulders. You’re blocking the view for everyone and you’re probably going to get hurt.
8. Dudes, keep your shirt on. Nobody cares that you have a gym membership and fully sick tribal tattoos.
9. Don’t push people. Push a Push Pop instead.
10. Do you feel like you’ve gone a little too hard? Admit it to yourself and go to first aid. Don’t lie about whatever shit you’ve put in your body. They’re there to help, not to judge.
11. If you see someone that’s completely out of their mind, help them. Carn mang, we’re all in this together.
12. Seafood is always a bad choice to bring to a festival.
13. Take off that Indian headdress you culturally appropriating idiot.
14. Pick your moments for a D&M wisely. No one wants to talk to you while you are fuck-eyed and gobbling on about some kid that stole your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles backpack in primary school.
15. Don’t talk to me when you’re at the urinal. Just, don’t.
16. Talk to me at the urinal instead.
17. Put away your goddamn acoustic guitar and bongos. IF YOU WEREN’T BOOKED TO PLAY WHY DID YOU BRING A GUITAR? OH HANG ON I’VE JUST SHELLED OUT $300+ DOLLARS ONLY TO HAVE SOME KNOB PLAY WONDERWALL IN MY EAR ALL NIGHT. TOP WEEKEND.
18. Pick your battles. Arguing over the cost of merch with someone who obviously has no say in the pricing is a total dick move.
19. Do not go and sit yourself down at a random campsite. It’s weird, dude. They don’t want you there.
20. Eat a baked spud. Those things are fucking grouse.
