A virtual tour of Melbourne's weirdest and most wonderful attractions.
Melbourne is renowned for many things, from its vibrant art and live music scenes to its various secret laneways packed with some of the best bars, cafes and eateries in the country, but nobody knows this city quite like a local. So, while we’re all stuck inside and missing our favourite places more than ever, we asked local punks Private Function for their top ten spots around town. Come with us for a virtual journey We can assure you, you won’t find these hidden beauties in any old Melbourne travel guide.
10. Harold Holt Swim Centre, Glen Iris
This great Melbourne landmark is named after Australia’s former Prime Minister, Harold Holt, who mysteriously disappeared at sea while swimming in the ocean near Portsea in 1967.
Melbourne is a city known for its dry, ironic sense of humour. In this case, the irony here is wet, as this is a swim centre.
9. Statue of a dog wearing speed-dealers, Brighton Beach
Putting sunglasses on a dog is pure, unbridled comedy, on par with farting and then immediately replicating the sound of your fart with your mouth. It doesn’t matter which country you’re from or what culture you’re a part of, if you put sunglasses on a dog, people are gonna love it.
The fact that this particular dog is wearing speed-dealers increases the absolute perfection of this public artwork to the point where I wonder if an actual dog sculpted this, because no human could be so perfect.
I wonder if this art dog has learned “shake” yet? ‘Cause I’d like to shake her hand.
8. Fast Eddies $2 Shop, South Melbourne
Melbourne is full of street names, bridges and suburbs named after dumb British nerds. But if there’s one British legend that deserves to be idolised, it’s Motorhead’s “Fast Eddie”. We’d like to personally thank the good people of Fast Eddies $2 Shop for idolising another fallen rock’n’roll hero.
7. Club X Elizabeth St, Melbourne CBD
Private Function prides itself on being up-to-date with the best independent and European movies, and there’s no better place in Melbourne to catch these movies than Club X on Elizabeth St. It even offers a private back alley entrance for the more avid moviegoers.
In addition to being a classic and slickly ornate cinema, this theatre also offers live entertainment that will inspire you in a deeper way than any band you’ll ever watch at any of Melbourne’s other so-called “venues”.
6. Partial Remnants Of A San Andreas Hand Painted Mural, Spencer St, Melbourne CBD
In the summer of 2004, Rockstar Games commissioned hand-painted ads for their new videogame, GTA: San Andreas painted around the world. Melbourne was no exception, and we’re lucky enough to still have a small piece of this artwork still showing.
The summer of 2004 was perfect because of this game. As the football children pranced around outside, the members of Private Function dove deep into the masterpiece of San Andreas, staying up ’til 3am eating 2-Minute Noodles and drinking Mountain Dew.
2004 was a simpler, more pure time, devoid of the stresses of modern life and adulthood.
If anyone takes this tiny section of a mural away from me, I will kill them.
5. Elvis Presley’s Grave, Carlton Cemetery
Originally commissioned by Victorian Elvis Presley Fan Club President, Wayne Hawthorne, this shrine to the King features two vital moments in its history:
- When it was unveiled by Australian rock’n’roll legend Johnny O’Keefe in 1977.
- When it was immortalised by Australian rock’n’roll legends Private Function in their video clip for Dial Before You Dig in 2016.
4. Batman Park Kindergarten on Elm St, Northcote
This street corner represents a classic battle between two pop culture icons.
We here at Private Function hope that Freddy Kruger wins in this fictional battle as Batman is a fucking snitch coward who works for the cops.
ABAB.
3. Julian Knight’s House, Clifton Hill
If music is the lifeblood of Melbourne, then its fascination with boring true-crime podcasts is its spinal fluid. Julian Knight murdered seven people in Clifton Hill in 1987, and his spree would go on to become known as the Hoddle Street Massacre.
In prison, Julian Knight has proven himself to be a hyper-intellectual, receiving not just a law degree but also majoring in strategic and defence studies, international relations, political studies, journalism, psychology, IT, engineering and first-aid.
We wrote to him once and asked him to represent us in court for a speeding fine we received on the Hume. We never received a reply.
2. Dr. A. Saddik Circumcision Doctor, Coburg
This is, without a doubt, the best thing about Melbourne. There’s a circumcision doctor in Coburg called “DR. A SADDIK”.
You can’t make this shit up.
WE LOVE YOU MELBOURNE.
1. Our Own Personal Houses, Various
And NUMBER ONE on our top ten best places in Melbourne is, of course, our own houses, which you can find at the following addresses:
Chris Penney – 22 Crimea St, St Kilda
Joe Hansen – 17 May Grove, Toorak
Aidan McDonald – 2/89 Lotian St, North Melbourne
Joe Mennell – 67 Union St, Clifton Hill
Private Function’s new album Whose Line Is It Anyway? is out on Friday August 28 via Damaged / Caroline Australia. Pre-order the album here.
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