They could have just named this Pirates of the Caribbean: The Three Musketeers. After all, it’s clearly replicating the basic formula – the story even revolves around flying pirate ships… yes, you read that correctly.
It’s as though Orlando Bloom wanted a film that was the same as Pirates in every way, except he gets to play Johnny Depp. He even steals the rock-star style and swagger, swapping the Keith Richards influence for David Bowie.
Still, the movie itself is not the worst thing in the world. As with all the Pirates movies, it’s a bit of harmless fun that never takes itself too seriously.
There are some cringe-worthy moments, like when Milla Jovovich jumps through obstacles in slow-mo, the many Vin Diesel-esque stunts, and basically every cliché exchange between young hero D’Artagnan and his love interest.
It also seems like casting tried to gather some big names and then in an effort to cut-costs, settled for their B-grade equivalents. Christoph Waltz loses credit for trying to imitate John Malkovich, Matthew Macfadyen is a second-rate Clive Owen, Logan Lerman mimics a cocky Hayden Christensen and Ray Stevenson takes a little from every jolly drunk man in an adventure film before him.
The only actor who doesn’t try to be someone else is Mads Mikkelsen as the creepy second-hand man, and that’s only because he plays exactly the same role in every film he’s in.
In saying all that, there are some genuine laughs, creative swordplay and enough tight corsets to keep your interest. I wouldn’t recommend The Three Musketeers if you are hoping to make an evening of it, but it’s an easy way to kill a few hours.
Rating: C+
