The Beards

For The Beards, who hail from Adelaide and describe themselves as "more of a propaganda machine [than a band]", music isn’t exactly their top priority. Beards are. Sure, they play music, but more importantly, they have beards. That doesn’t mean their music isn’t both catchy and hilarious – it just means that this interview is not about music at all. It’s about beards.

Why? Why beards? What’s so good about beards?

"I wouldn’t expect you to understand," replies Nathaniel Beard, bass player. "Ask any bearded person and they’ll sort of give you a knowing nod. We bearded, we understand just how much a beard brings to your personality, to your manhood even. It’s almost like… I didn’t even really get life until I got a beard. Once I had a beard I thought, ‘Oh ok, that all makes sense now’.

"You know how most people have a void in their lives? It’s like a normal part of human psychology. People with beards don’t have that. The void is filled by the beard and we’re happy people."

The band, who write songs all about beards ( Growing A Beard, If Your Dad Doesn’t Have A Beard…, A Wizard Needs A Beard, No Beard No Good, etc), wear extravagant beards, generally only speak about beards and play light-hearted rock-pop songs (while having beards) are a comedic brotherhood with an eternal straight face. "We formed in 2005," Nathaniel remembers. "I don’t know exactly which one of us originally conceived of the idea. I like to think that the idea was sort of inspired by our beards."

And when he says beards, he means beards: not moustaches. When asked whether there’s a tension between moustaches and beards, Nathaniel is firm: "We perpetuate that tension," he confirms. "I don’t think that there is a general tension – generally, all facial hair is good. But we in The Beards take the moustache to be a personal insult. We find that it’s an affront to our beliefs, really.

"If you have a moustache what you are saying is that you can grow facial hair, but you choose to shave nearly all of it off… and that’s not acceptable. If you are blessed with the ability to grow facial hair then you have an obligation to grow facial hair.

"You can’t just go around shaving it off, playing God."

But what of women’s complaints? Why do the ladies object to beards? "Maybe you can tell me, I’m not really sure…" Nathaniel muses. Of course, there’s always pash rash. (I never thought I’d write that sentence) "I think biologically speaking, feeling a beard against your face would be a natural feeling for a female to feel," Nathaniel explains. "When we were evolving in the wild, there wouldn’t have been shaving; no mass-produced razors or agendas about making men look like boys. And every woman who was copulating with a man would have felt that beard against their face and it would have been natural and normal.

"It was only with the advent of the industrial revolution that this whole shaving fad got out of hand and up until then throughout the majority of history beards were always fashionable and always the norm. It’s only recently that we’ve lost our way. Look at all the other things that have happened since the industrial revolution."

Look at them indeed. Oh, the folly of our race.

"For me it only makes sense that you would want your man to be manly and to have the characteristics of a man, one of which is a beard," he goes on. "But most men shave off their manhood, sadly, and it’s a sorry state of affairs – but it’s one that we’re correcting."

And one way they’re going about doing that is through their new iPhone app. "If you’re considering growing a beard but you don’t want to make the commitment because you’re worried you might look stupid or something, there’s a function on the app where you can take a photo of yourself and then choose from a wide selection of different styles of beards to see what you would look like with a beard. That function is called ‘Put A Beard On It’ so you can literally put a beard on your face where there was no beard before and go ‘Actually, I do look really awesome with a beard, I’m going to grow one," Nathaniel explains. The app also provides info about the band to subscribers.

Strangely, the band haven’t actually thought about taking their cause to politics – though that’s not to say they’re not political: "Just two weeks ago Julia Gillard asked Rob Oakeshott to shave his beard off," Nathaniel fumes, "so we wrote her a letter demanding that she apologise, because she basically came right out and said that she objects to beards in general. I voted for this person who has turned around and betrayed my people and I’m not ok with that and I won’t be voting for her again, that’s for sure – I’ll be voting for whoever has a beard. They’ll sympathise with my needs.

"She hasn’t written back to our letter so I don’t really feel like we’re being heard," he adds. "There’s a lot of cowardice going on in the ranks of politics – most male politicians would probably like to grow beards but they’re too afraid of bullies like Miss Gillard and the Australian public who probably won’t re-elect them with a beard.

"They have all these misconceptions about bearded people. People think bearded people have something to hide – but it’s not like that, the beard isn’t hiding – if you’re shaving, you’ve got something to hide, you’re trying to hide your beard. The beard is just trying to express itself in the way that nature intended."

THE BEARDS will be brining their special follicular madness to Melbourne for the ROCK THE BAY festival when it returns to The Espy on Labour Day long weekend (Saturday March 12). 30 bands sweat it out over The Espy’s three roomsincluding Barbarion, Sydonia, Bellusira, Tim McMillan Band, Engine Three Seven, Redcoats, New Skinn, Electric Horse, Alba Varden, and heaps more. Tickets are on sale now from saltar.oztix.com.au, The Espy, Polyester Records, Missing Link, Fist 2 Face, Greville Records and The Nash (Geelong). Check out rockthebayfestival.com for more info. They also play The Evelyn on April 2. You can also grab their Put A Beard On It app from iTunes in April.