Only one other band on the bill sported a (singular) beard – a member of The Men Who Will Not Be Blamed For Nothing. “Well they can be blamed for that then,” Nathaniel says, disrespectfully. “I can certainly blame them for that. For only having one beard.”
The festival itself had beards maxed out to 11; either home-grown or something less organic tacked on. The Beards actually fit in for the first time, bewildering Nathaniel.
“It was a strange festival because it had a bit of a beard theme. It was weird because for one day we weren’t a novelty band. Normally people are surprised when they see us at a festival – ‘What! This band’s only singing songs about beards!’ – for me, when we were on stage we were just like a regular band.”
Did it deflate their spirits a bit? “Oh, we don’t care what they think,” Nathaniel declares. “We think beards are great.” Europe doesn’t. Of late, Nathaniel and the band have not just unfurled hair across the UK, but Germany and Holland. It’s irked him and his bandmates.
“There’s been a good ratio of bearded people in the audience – most people have a beard or a fake beard in the audience and it’s hard to see a clean shaven face,” he cheerfully reports. His mood quickly darkens, though.
“I have noticed on the streets in the European cities we’ve visited so far there seems to be a lower rate of beards than in Australia and North America. It’s concerning and it certainly makes me want to do more work over here to bring Europe up to speed.”
Shows are one thing, but he’s talking about a particular brand of hair-raising evangelism. Nathaniel has publicly stated he wants everyone in the world to have a beard. Before I can ask if it’s too lofty an ambition, he snaps, “Yes I do.”
“I think it’s the right level of ambition,” he says confidently. “You don’t want to dilute your dreams. If you set out to do something, you don’t want to compromise on what that goal is. I personally will not rest until every single person in the world has a beard.”
Even women?
“Even the women and the children and all the animals as well,” he declares. “But we’re focusing on humans first.” His first great (human) breakthrough came at Brighton, UK’s Great Escape festival.
“There were very few beards in the audience but I think we convinced many people to grow beards,” he says. “There were many children in the audience and we convinced them to grow up and grow a beard. I see all children as a potential beard. Once they reach the right age, they’ll remember what they learned in their youth.”
Punters at Beards shows immediately feel the fervour the Beards have for beards. They’ll praise the bearded and hold the clean shaven up as targets for boos and hisses. Nathaniel would ideally make examples of them on stage, but he “doesn’t like getting that close to beardless people.”
“I am concerned that someone whipped up in a frenzy from our propaganda might just hurt the guy or something. We don’t want to destroy the guy’s face; we just want to put a beard on it.
“We still cultivate an atmosphere of shame so that anyone without a beard feels guilty. We tell them that shame is perfectly natural, and it’s just their body telling them to grow a beard.”
The Beards write songs about beards; it’s all they sing about. It’s all they’ll ever sing about. They’re currently writing their fourth album and it’s predictably in tribute to beards. Nathaniel felt uneasy about releasing another set of songs about beards, fearful they might have tapped the well of bearded creativity dry.
“We have a lot of ideas coming in,” he affirms. “It turns out that having a beard provides an unlimited source of inspiration. We’ve got a power ballad about beards, an electro-rock song called There’s A Bearded Man Inside Me, we’ve got a sort of ‘60s pop kind of song which is called Strokin’ My Beard, and we’ve got a burster of a track called All The Bearded Ladies.
“I want to tell you right now that it’s not a parody song of Beyoncé’s All The Single Ladies. We don’t delve into the realm of parody songs, we think that’s for someone else to do. We write original songs about beards.”
Nathaniel’s ‘beard revolution’ has no intention of stopping. Outsiders might think there’s a sinister bearded underground poised to take over. It’s far less insidious than the unbearded envisage.
“There’s not a secret bearded society,” Nathaniel explains. “There’s just a bearded society, and we’re not hiding from anyone. Anyone can join the bearded society by growing a beard. Of course, this will just soon be known as society.“
BY TOM VALCANIS
