It’s not quite the Empire State, but in terms of American style grandiosity, it comes close. In between a sweet brioche bun, you’re looking at three 130 gram burger patties, six rashers of bacon, a deluge of chilli-cheese sauce, a spicy, moreish concoction of the colour that only occurs in nature when a small, delicious looking creature wants to warn birds that it is- in fact- highly poisonous.
Which is not to say that the B.EAST burger is poison – far from it – it’s delicious. It is, however, a lot of burger. A quarter way in you feel quite satisfied. Halfway through, your jaw starts to ache like a campaigning immigration minister in Western Sydney, and you get what my doctor friend assures me are called ‘meat sweats’. Two thirds through, my companion threw the burger down, defeated, and went to ask the bar for some wet-wipes. Eating, it is a journey that’s as emotionally challenging as it is an affront to healthy eating, and not something you would want to do in, say less than three minutes, which is what you need to do to qualify for the B.EAST Burger Challenge championship, a competitive eating competition for the ten fastest eaters, to be held on 1st September.
“We overheard people talking about how fast they could eat it, and thought, that’s a really good idea, to start some time trials, to start the Beast Wall of Fame, then once a year invite the fastest eaters for an Olympic-style showdown,” said Guy.
There’s a leaderboard nestled in the corner of the B.EAST that documents everyone who’s managed to eat the monolith burger in under three minutes. There are about 20 men on the board, and one woman. The reigning champ in Simon ‘The Bear’ Varvic, who finished it in a heart-stopping one minute and 15 seconds. Apparently the trick is to take lots of tiny bites and swallow without chewing, like a bird.
To be part of the competition, head to the B.EAST, order the burger and have at it, for you chance to eat competitively in front of a braying crowd while Eye Of The Tiger Plays. What’s not to love?
“We’ve got a big framed picture of Elvis, probably the greatest overeater in history, to embed the winners name in on a brass plaque in the annals of B.East history.”
The sense of fun spreads to the drinks menu, which boasts a shit-ton of craft beers and wine options – although the real treasure is on the cocktail list, where house drinks named after rock stars offer new spins on classic cocktails.
“Most of them have a twist on a classic. Once again coming from that burger place – you don’t want to go too far from the beaten track, but try infusing new flavours into vodka for a bacon martini, or adding booze to a milkshake in an interesting way.”
Think the ‘Amy Winehouse,’ a margarita made with jalapeño infused sprits, or the Kurt Cobain, a banofee milkshake with two shots (too soon) of whisky. The sweeter drinks come garnished with maraschino cherries soaked in whiskey, with a flavourful little alcohol bombs that kick in as you stumble home. The best part about working your way through the menu is it’s light on the wallet. The drinks pack a real punch, and are unusually affordable for Melbourne, starting from $8 for a pickle back.
“We try and keep the prices down. We want people to have a good time without having to pay through the nose. Getting people in to have a good time That was the whole idea.”
BY LIAM PIEPER
