“Have a drink inside,” the weird vampire suggested. “You’re gonna need it.” And need it I did. Dracula’s is an immersive experience into erotic horror and trashy comedy. Basically, just imagine getting drunk with the Addams Family on a porno set and then Russell Gilbert and Dave Hughes turn up.
If you’re like me, you’ve driven past Dracula’s near RMIT and wondered what the fuck happens in that place. Well, the show actually begins outside Dracula’s. Actors greet you in the queue with the same jokes they undoubtedly use every night.
Soon after, you move up creaky stairs into one of the quirkiest bars in Melbourne. The décor is made from hundreds of horror items that could only be collected over Dracula’s 34-year history. Coffins, mummies, fortune-tellers, Minotaur statues with huge dicks, the exposed buttocks of waiters – it’s all here.
After champagne and chicken dim sims, it’s all aboard the ghost train. I shouldn’t give much more away here but if you ride the Frankston line then you won’t be impressed. We’re now seated and entrée is served. According to the Dracula’s website, one food critic allegedly wrote, “The food alone is worth the ticket price”. For about $100, I wouldn’t take it that far, but it’s surprisingly worthwhile. Matching the theme, dessert is rich Belgian chocolate custom made into the shape of a coffin.
Now it’s what we’re all here for, the show – Retro Vampt. Meet your cast: Tess Tosterone, Ben Dover and Hans Onass. You might be able to guess that the comedy is cheesy and kitsch, but damn it’s so much fun. The Dracula’s brand has been tested and refined over three decades, so while many of their jokes would flop at an amateur comedy night, they slayed in the context of Dracula’s.
One of the best segments was a series of misheard lyrics. In Daft Punk’s Get Lucky, the robots singing “We’re up all night to” will now forever be“We’ll rub a Mexican”.
The musical versatility of the cast cannot be overstated. They incredibly transition from double bass to drums to guitar with ease. There’s no way you could’ve ever convinced me that one of the best covers of Stairway to Heaven I’ll ever hear is at a theatre restaurant.
Half the fun of Retro Vampt is that you don’t know what wacky cabaret bit is next.To preserve the surprise, I won’t detail the show itself too much. But in a room scattered with hens’ and bucks’ parties, you can’t resist being charmed by the outrageous fun. The set design is also imaginative and clever, including two electronic drum kits amazingly built into a swinging metal doughnut.
When I told friends about my upcoming visit to Dracula’s, I was astonished by the vast amount of envious friends who said, “Oh, I’ve always wanted to go!” You owe it to yourself to experience guilt-free cheesiness on this scale once in your life. You owe it to yourself to walk out with a “I got sucked at Dracula’s” wristband. Go.
BY NICK TARAS
