Most of my comedy involves food, I can’t help it. I used to be a chef, food technologist, brewing technologist and food safety trainer. I love food but I don’t call myself a foodie. I don’t go around looking for the new trending restaurants, I don’t get all excited over dishes made with liquid nitrogen and I don’t use the word “jus” in polite conversation.
A friend told me that I am a “food activist”. I think I am, I certainly go around expressing my love of food and I have been known to fight those people who hate food or are afraid of it. If you belong to any of these 5 groups, you’ll get an annoying lecture from me:
1) Are you afraid to cook? If you are afraid to cook, you are denying yourself of an essential activity that us humans do. As the Bible says, man cannot live on take away alone. From a biological point of view, all we need to do in this world is reproduce and stay alive. And binge-watch Game of Thrones (which also struggles with people staying alive). The “Stay Alive Game” involves so many things and that includes COOKING! Yes, we all have in our genes the software for hunting, farming, collecting and cooking! If you have never cooked in your life, trust me, you have it inside of you. All you need to do is start with the basics, go back to our primitive instincts. Don’t start cooking in a kitchen on a stove top or an oven. Start with making a fire in a classic Weber Kettle. Once you can feel the satisfaction of lighting a fire on your own just let your instincts flow. But please! Don’t be too primitive! Stay away from your neighbour’s pet! Get your meat from your local butcher! I remember what my cooking master Yoda used to say: “Fire is the path to the cooking side. Fire leads to smoke. Smoke leads to smell. Smell leads to flavour.” May the tongs be with you.
2) Do you criticize food in the wrong context? All food is good. It just needs to be served and eaten in the right context. If it’s 3am, you’ve had lots to drinks with your mates and you find yourself with a Big Mac in front of you, DON’T YOU DARE SAY: “eurgh, this is disgusting, what am I doing?” and then eat it as if you are not enjoying it. That fast food meal is the most delicious thing that your drunken taste buds can appreciate. In fact, at that moment, it’s the best thing you have ever eaten. That’s why I don’t like to be called a “foodie”. Foodies will never recognise the beauty of fast food at the right time and place. If the dishes don’t include descriptions like foams, gels, reductions, crystals and “sands”; they are not interested. Perhaps if someone deconstructs a KFC Zinger Burger they will eat it, post a photo on Instagram and then rate it: “Poached organic chicken on southern crackle sand, spicy sambal gelatine, aioli foam, micro greens and sesame croutons.” #CrackleSand Rating: 8/10
3) Are you terrified of trying new flavours? Don’t waste your time going to restaurants and ordering the same thing over and over. Chicken Parma is great, no doubt, but stop playing it safe with flavours and get out of your comfort zone! There’s so much delicious food out there and you are missing out! The worst thing that could happen is that you’ll spit it out and not get your money back. But other than that, there’s absolutely no pain or trauma. Get out there Jon Snow! You know nothing! (Seriously, watch Game of Thrones).
4) Do you think food is nothing but fuel? Do you grab a bite on the go without noticing what you are eating so you can keep working? Are you one of those people who can’t appreciate that the food you’re eating was made with love by someone who cares for you? You can’t tell the difference between an egg sandwich and a roasted dinner? Food is all the same to you? IS IT? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? Food is more than just fuel, it’s connection with people, it’s culture, it’s a multi sensorial experience, it is history, nutrition, heritage, traditions, art and science! If you don’t care about food, you don’t care about people. Unless you are a Vegan. Vegans sacrificed the pleasure of taste and flavours in order to save us, our ecosystem, our animals and our planet. Vegans are evolved super humans with special super powers; I don’t mess with them. Remember, Popeye was vegan, he only ate spinach. I rest my case.
5) Are you picky, finicky or pernickety with food? First of all, how about those words for a guy who speaks English as a second language? I know, right? The thesaurus is my best friend! The picky, finicky, pernickety people, “PFP”, those spoiled people looking for attention with their food limitations that have nothing to do with medical conditions, ecological responsibility or religion. Yes, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! People like “faketarians” that’s what I call the carnivores in denial. Those with childish, contradictory behaviours. People who eat meat but don’t like to eat dead animals. Those who eat fish but can’t eat fish served with its head still on because its got eyes that are looking back at them. For those people I recommend taking a course on how to grow fish fillet trees. I’m pretty sure there’s a TED talk about it.
DISCLAIMER: I am a stand-up comedian; please remember this when you read my articles. If you feel somehow insulted reading this, please keep in mind that I don’t know you yet. I’m pretty sure that you are a lovely person and I would never have written this after meeting you, because you are my friend now and I like you. And once we become friends you’ll see that I’m also a good person, that I’m only writing this for the sake of comedy, and my love of all food with absolutely no intentions to hurt anyone’s feelings. Except if you are paleo. You knew the risks.
Your friend and food activist,
Ivan Aristeguieta
PS: I hope you read this with a Spanish accent because I wrote it with one.
PSS: Now I know you are rereading this with a Spanish accent, GRACIAS!
