EFFIE: LOOKING FOR LOVE… AND CHILD SUPPORT!
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EFFIE: LOOKING FOR LOVE… AND CHILD SUPPORT!

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“We know the story about the other person that was immaculately conceived, we know what kind of followings can be achieved, we know what sort of adoration comes with that and like religions, big business, so is celebrity. You don’t see baby North, she’s always shrouded, you know, they just tease with a little bit. And where’d she come out of? That tunnel has seen more traffic than Burnley Tunnel. Yet mine is an immaculate, pristine, never been touched by human hands so I just want to maximise, that’s all. I’m not going to overtly flog this kid for a little bit of money, I will flog her for as much money as possible when the time comes,” she says of her grand plan for her daughter. 

Effie perhaps needs no introduction, but for those who don’t know, she happily describes herself as the Greek Goddess of Comedy. She’s returning once more to the Melbourne International Comedy Festival and she’s on a mission. “So I was looking for love last year but now I’m looking for love and child support,” she says. 

As a single mother, she’s hoping to snag herself a man and her two shows in Yarraville are designed to help her meet her perfect match. “I pick out three guys from the audience who could very well have all their fantasies come true should I pick them. In fact, I don’t pick them, I get the audience to pick out of the three because I’ve chosen badly in the past and I can’t be depended on. So I figure my audience love me more than they love themselves so they’re going to do the right thing and pick the right guy for me and then we go out on a date,” she says. 

Effie feels her immaculate conception should be a selling point for any interested suitors, who also get a baby as part of the deal. “It’s all about bundles these days, innit? It’s the Boofhead Bundle,” she says. “You can get two for the price of one, if you’re the luckiest guy in the world”. 

“I’ve made some bad choices in the past, we all have,” Effie laments. “I’ve suffered, well I didn’t suffer, I just cracked it really and the good thing with me, I come with a lot of things a lot of women don’t come with. Apart from a baby, I’m still inexperienced, I mean that’s a nice way of putting it, but untouched, untarnished, if you know what I’m saying,” she says. 

While she’s characteristically confident of her own appeal, there’s a criteria her ideal man must meet. She’s very clear she doesn’t want some user. (“That’s my job”) Neither is she interested in some “sleazy shifty sort of guy”. Good looking is important to her as well, although not as important as his financial status. “Loaded,” she says emphatically. “Cash flow more than just hard assets because you know you wanna have access to money regularly and easily. You don’t want to have to sell a piece of property, especially us Greeks, we don’t sell, we just buy. So I don’t want to milk properties, I want some cash flow that’s coming through …and I want them to be generous, I don’t want some stingy guy and I want someone that is morally sound.”

 BY JOANNE BROOKFIELD