What’s the worst sex story you’ve ever had happen to you or have heard about?
I heard a girl got pregnant just from sitting in a spa with a guy who was masturbating, but it was told to me in grade 6 by Mark Fisher. I still don’t believe it. The worst one I’ve been told about – by the person it happened to – was a broken penis. Broken. Not bent. Not rubbed red raw like when you’re trying for your fifth time for the day. Broken. Slipped out, went to go back in at speed, missed, broken. I’ve been fairly cautious ever since.
What is the meaning of life?
There’s always someone worse off than you. Even if it means travelling to the slums of India to see it, you’re still going better than the one handed, no legged man begging for coins to survive. Unless you barrack for Richmond – then you’re fucked.
What’s the best advice you’ve gotten from another comic?
Hagar the Horrible, who taught me to never live with a smart mouthed wife in the Middle Ages.
You’ve just been made Prime Minister of Australia after a bizarre yet strangely believable series of events. What do you do first?
Pardoning myself from criminal prosecution after luring Tony Abbott into taking part in my inaugural Shoot Yourself In The Face festival.
Create a nickname for your genitals.
The Fixie – it’s cool, hipsters like it and one day it’ll kill you.
Where can we follow/stalk/find out more about you?
I’m on Twitter: @arozenbachs and Josh Bootsma is now looking after all my Snapchat requirements.
