Bobby: Internet Dating
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Bobby: Internet Dating

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My friend encouraged me to sign up for internet dating about a year and a half ago; RSVP, eHarmony, all the usuals. I completed each of my profiles after going back and forth as I tried to describe what type of a drinker I was. “Social Drinker” was the safest option, “Regular Drinker” is the most honest and “Non-Drinker” is what my doctor has recommended.

Completing my profile was fairly easy, up until I joined Pink Sofa (a lesbian community and dating website). On previous websites I had the same questions pop up: “Identity”, with two options – male or female: normally a fairly easy question. Well Pink Sofa has confused me so much that I’m not exactly sure what I am anymore.

I thought this was a lesbian dating website: chicks who like chicks, right? Well apparently it’s more than that. This website caters for chicks who like dicks, chicks who had dicks, chicks who want dicks, dicks dressed as chicks and so on. There were sixteen options for me to choose from under ‘Identity”, but unfortunately the option I was after was not available: “Woman who looks like a woman who is attracted to other women who look like women.”

After much deliberation, I ended up working my way backwards to find out who I was… Well I’m not a boi, butch, genderqueer, leather, soft butch, androgynous, lipstick, sporty dyke, transman, transwoman… Lesbian! There I am.

After three minutes of shock, anxiety and discovery, I decided to send out some ‘smiles’ (for those RSVP users – ‘kisses’). I skimmed over a number of short profiles, sending smiles at my leisure, getting giggly at the thought of how cyber flirty I was, opening up my eyes to the internet dating world! It was exhilarating.

I remember receiving my very first smile that I opened up with excitement, only to jump off the couch in shock. The photo looked as though this person was about to attack me out of the computer screen. Hardly a smile, I thought to myself. Ahh… ‘Trial Member’. They only have limited access to send smiles, not death threats. Only ‘Premium Members’ can send you death threats. ‘Block’.

Sending smiles and messages to other sofa girls is one thing, actually meeting up with a complete stranger is another. Here are Bobby’s Hot Tips TM when meeting up with an internet date:

1. Sex on the first date is not a bad thing; you’ve been chatting online for weeks, you’re practically engaged!

2. If your date is not working out, be mature and simply tell them the truth. “This is not going to work, you’re nothing like your profile photo.” A text from a cab on its way the hell outta there will suffice.

3. If your date IS working out, get naked. You want to confirm which of the sixteen options your date has selected as her “Identity”.

4. If your date is wearing Y Front Jocks, no need to wait around for them to come off to figure it out.

5. If you have any common sense, ‘Block’ me from Pink Sofa now.

You can catch Bobby Macumber at The Local Taphouse, Carlisle St, St Kilda on Monday March 28.

BY BOBBY MACUMBER