All the greatest divas are known by just one name. Madonna, Mariah, Cher, Whitney…Effie. She has been in the game and performing at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival since 1987 when she debuted in Wogs Out Of Work. However, I quickly learn that you should never bring up age with a lady. “In order to maintain a good political position let’s just keep it vague,” Effie snaps at me as I try and date her career, “Otherwise people will try and work out how old I am. Just say a quarter of a cench and leave it at that.”
Effie has a new show this year that she will be performing out in Yarraville (“Yarraville it started off cheap but got expensive, it’s a bit like me,” she says) and a new family member. “I have a child called Aphie, as in in Aphrodite,” she proudly announces. “So its Effie and Aphie. She ‘s got my follicular DNA. 100% mine no mistaking that, plus it came out…of, well it didn’t come out the natural way but she is mine.” So now Effie is looking for date. “I’ve been online and all I’ve found is trolls lookin’ for molls,” Effie complains. “So I’m offline now. I want discretion, I don’t want some blabbermouth that’s going to go and sell his story about his night with Effie, you know. It would be bullshit too because its gonna take a long time before they get a whole night. I’m not easy, a lot of things I am but easy is not one of them. I like to spread myself in a way that doesn’t involve my legs. I just emotionally spread myself.” She describes her perfect guy as something of the opposite of herself. “I want someone that is generous by nature, someone who is a little naive, someone who is attractive, but lets not kid ourselves all those guys have other options. My mother always said a woman needs to be better looking than the guy. Well my body is very well behaved, it bounced back like an accordion after the baby.”
Her show, A Date With Effie, cuts out the dating middlemen, she now pucks them straight from the audience. “Its sort of like being in romantic IMAX where you think you’re part of it but ya not,” she says. I wouldn’t even say IMAX, id just say Effie MAX. Seeing me live is something you’ll never forget.” With all her success, she still hasn’t forgotten her fans. “The stage is my direct link to my sycophants. You know why I love ‘em? Cos they love me more than they love themselves. That’s how selfless my fans are. My show is half scripted and half unscripted every night. So I go out into the mosh pit of love and I find gold. It’s like friggin’ Sovereign Hill without the detector.”
Never one to undersell herself, Effie believes her show is akin to a spiritual awakening.“This is like a meditation for you,” Effie commands. “Just close your eyes and let yourself imagine it. The happiest you’ve every felt. Then imagine the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. Then imagine the chance to be close to that happiness, that beautiful thing. Then imagine laughter that requires a nappy in order to preserve some level of decency. Then imagine turning around and seeing other people who are that happy too. Imagine if you could attach all those feelings to a perfect being, a gift, some might say if they’re religious, from God. That is the E experience. That is taking an E. An F. An F and an E. Everyone deserves that moment.”
BY JACK FRANKLIN
