TL;DR This Week In Cinema: Marvel's Civil War Begins, And The Verdict On The Best Of The Bunch
Welcome to the Beat's weekly rundown of what's hot in the coming seven days of cinematic releases. It's the last mammoth week of April, and Marvel is calling DC's all-in. The combined universes are here, ladies and gents, and here to stay.
Unlike me - I'll be jetting off for the next month and TL;DR will be taking a sabbatical. Fear not, dear readers, for I shall soon gift thee a trailer dump the likes of which has rarely been seen outside of Marvel's Phase 3.
For those (understandably) suffering from costumed hero fatigue, there's a wealth of other options available to you - some of which we teased last week. And while the Avengers duke it out to see who among them is the most good, both Professor X and Sabrina The Teenage Witch fall prey to different forces of evil...
CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR
It's the moment every Avengers fan sensed on the horizon: the ultimate patriot Captain America (Chris Evans) faces off against wise-cracking scientist Tony Stark, AKA Iron Man (Robert Downey, Jr.). After accidentally loosing the malevolent Ultron on the world, the Avengers are taken to task by the government, which demands greater insight and control over the awesome foursome.
With existing tensions exacerbated by Cap's complex relationship with Winter Soldier antagonist Buck (Sebastian Stan), Stark finally loses his cool, and the whole team assembles on opposite sides. Trailers have already indicated that, as with DC's abortive attempt at replicating Marvel's formula, this civil war will have more than a few cameo appearances.
One of which is a new Spiderman (Tom Holland). Sorry, Andrew Garfield.
tl;dr Now you know how it feels, Garfield.
The director of Pretty Woman isn't happy with his lot in life, and decided to take the Richard Curtis approach and shit out a rom-com based on a holiday Hallmark invented as a cash-grab. That was Valentine's Day (2010), which he followed up with New Year's Eve (2011). And now he's coming for your mum.
Who knows if Mother's Day will ever reach the highs and lows of Love Actually, a film that amongst net-surfers has roughly the same credibility as Nickelback. Who knows and who really friggin' cares, anyway. Just don't see this film. Please. Because if you do, we get more, and you'll be to blame when we cop Australia Day: The Movie.
We're already closer than we should be to the bitter end...
tl;dr Ignore this film and take yo mama out all night
Warning: this is a Red Band trailer, and as such contains graphic violence.
WHOA. Patrick Stewart boldly goes where only his closest friend and fellow X-Man has gone before, taking a walk on the dark side as the head of a ruthless Neo-Nazi syndicate. When an underground punk band (manned by Anton Yelchin and Imogen Poots) book a gig at the bigots' bar, they end up witnessing a murder. Naturally, the thugs are not rushing to see them off for the night...
Green Room was rapturously received by horror lovers at last year's Cannes, and hits the must-see list for Dead Kennedys fans and thrillseekers clamouring for another You're Next.
It wouldn't be Mum's cup of tea, though. No, I think Captain Picard's already done his bad-guy bit in her eyes.
tl;dr Patrick Stewart made for quite the apt pupil.
YOU AND ME
Another vague trailer, though not quite on the scale of last week's vaguery. This week's documentary offering follows David 'Barney' Miller as he journeys to recover from crash-induced quadraplegia, all so he can kneel to propose to his girlfriend and stand at the altar for their wedding.
A regular Aussie bloke overcoming seemingly insurmountable adversity, and the woman motivating him to achieve the impossible: it's your classic heartwarmer, and the kind of story the 60 Minutes news crew probably wish they'd stayed on.
Although it does raise some questions: how often do people who are told they'll never walk again manage to do it? Reckon these 'doctors' aren't up to chop, I reckon.
tl;dr Get your diagnoses together, "Mr Scientist".
The quiet perfectionism of Japanese artisans is something I've always found incredibly endearing. Director Naomi Kawase has no need for contrived drama in her work, instead seeking beauty in the lives of simple folk pursuing their passions.
An is a sweet red bean paste favoured by the Japanese, and the film's inciting ingredient. It brings together disillusioned pancake stall owner Sentaro (Masatoshi Nagase) and septuagenarian Tokue (Kirin Kiki) when he discovers that her an is far superior to his own.
Quiet and gentle, and therefore absolutely nothing like Japan's other great baking saga, Yakitate!! Ja-pan. Google it and feel the joy.
tl;dr Feeling hungry?
GOD'S NOT DEAD 2
"In this day and age, people seem to forget that the most basic human right of all is the right to believe."
"The pressure that we're feeling today will be persecution tomorrow."
"I'm not gonna be afraid to say the name Jesus."
tl;dr Oh Sabrina... wouldst thou like to live deliciously?
And now for THE VERDICT - maybe you only get to see one of these flicks on the big screen, and you don't wanna waste that night out. So, drum roll please...
For the purpose of encouraging conversation, I sent some of you to your cinematic doom, and for that I apologise. Conscientious objectors and those suffering from post-traumatic Snyder disorder have the right to see Green Room and An with no regrets. But for the rest of us, the lines have been drawn, and the battle is unavoidable. It's time to pick your side.
Until next time!